Sexual Matters In Marriage - 1 (Zacharias T. Fomum)
Sex is an integral part of the married life. To attempt to minimise the importance of sex in marriage is not right. Sex is very important in marriage. I have counselled many couples and I can honestly say that any marriage that fails in bed is mostly going to fail in an overall sense.
Sex is an integral part of the married life. God, the Author of marriage, said,
“Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
The Bible again says,
“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does ; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control”(1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
To attempt to minimise the importance of sex in marriage is not right. Sex is very important in marriage. I have counselled many couples and I can honestly say that any marriage that fails in bed is mostly going to fail in an overall sense. The marriage that succeeds in bed has a good chance of overall success. Many married people who have come to my clinic (The clinic for Spiritual, Emotional, Psychological, Marital and Physical Diseases), have said things like the ones below :
My wife is cold and unresponsive. I am unsatisfied.
My husband is always in a hurry, so much so that when it is over, I am unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
My wife is dirty. I dread any contact with her because of the odour that puts me off entirely. I have told her to clean up by bathing each evening, but she does not, yet she expects me to desire her. How can I ?
My husband bathes once a week. He does not seem to have the sense of smell. When he approaches me, his odour puts me off. Each relationship with him is an ordeal.
My husband shouts at me from dawn do dusk and at night he expects me to be warm and responsive to him. He does not understand that a good relationship at night is the result of gentleness and kind words from the morning. I am used as a thing and, therefore, I just let him have my body, but I do not give him my real self. How can I give him my true self when I am suffering from the wounds of his hard and harsh words?
From the day when my wife told me that she had known many men in the past and committed two abortions, all my interest in her disappeared. She is like my sister and no more. How can I become one of the multitudes of men that she has known ? How can I become one with a murderess?
My husband is unfaithful. I know the women and girls he runs after. Sometimes I see his letters and they drive me mad. I love him and I hate him. I want to give myself to him, but I also want to hurt him. I am torn inside. I am broken. Can you help me ?
I married a slim young girl. She weighed 53 kilos then. She was pretty and attractive and I delighted in her. Now after 7 years of marriage, I have a small elephant weighing 82 kilos. When I look at her everything in me dies. All the love I had for her has disappeared. This is not the one I married. I keep blaming myself for having chosen wrongly. She wants me but her size frightens me from inside. Her whole person crushes me. I still long for my girl of 53 kilos.
Since I got married, I have known only one man - my husband. My problem is that I have to be treated so often for venereal diseases. My husband is certainly at the root of it. How can I give myself fully to an unfaithful man whose unfaithfulness brings diseases to me?
She first came to our home as a sister to my husband’s friend. I took care of her and then I found out that she was having an affair with my husband. At the moment, she is already his wife and they both mistreat me.
My wife wants sexual union once a month and I am starving and frustrated.
Many marriages are failing in the sexual realm. These problems can be arranged into four groups:
Unkind or unloving treatment of each other.
Physically unattractive and dirty mates.
The first two of these problems have a spiritual background and must have spiritual treatment! The next two must have practical treatment.
Because you have given your life to the Lord Jesus, the first group of problems (i.e. marital unfaithfulness), is solved permanently for you. If your mate makes the same commitment to the Lord Jesus, then that problem will be solved for him or her too. This will mean that the problem is solved for both of you permanently. Men in whose hearts Jesus lives do not commit adultery. Women in whose hearts Jesus lives do not commit adultery. I insist that when Jesus comes into the lives of both husband and wife, the problem of adultery is solved for the couple permanently. Maybe, you should stop thinking about your mate. You should give your life to the Lord Jesus and He will use you to bring your mate to Him.
The second problem was unkind and unloving treatment of each other. This problem, too, is solved by a commitment to the Lord Jesus. The new spirit that Jesus has given you is actually the Holy Spirit. He is the Spirit of God. When He dwells in a person, He transforms the person completely. He does this by producing His fruit in that person. You may ask what His fruit is. His fruit has many sides to it. The Bible says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is
As Jesus’ people, your lives will manifest these characteristics, and it is obvious that a life that manifests love, joy, patience, etc, cannot be unkind and unloving. You see, the love produced by the Holy Spirit will replace the unloving attitude, while the kindness replaces the unkind attitude. Do you see then that Jesus will solve your problem from its very root ? Let me just draw your attention to the fact that you will have all these nine aspects of the fruit of the Holy Spirit from the very moment that you give your life to the Lord Jesus. However, you need time with the Lord Jesus to have the fruit mature and manifest these characteristics to the fullest.
The third problem of a physically unattractive and dirty mate is more of a practical nature, and even here the Lord Jesus provides a solution. If your mate is naturally physically unattractive, you should not blame him or her. You chose him/her. Why did you not look at him or her more carefully ? The situation is not hopeless. Pray about it. Ask the Lord to make your mate more attractive. I do not know what He will do, but I do know that He will do something. I know a number of unattractive people whom He has made attractive. Pray to Him. He will show you what you can do to improve your looks. Maybe you need longer hair. Ask Him. He will give you. If you are overweight, you are spoiling your marriage. Ask the Lord to help you to cut down your weight. After all, the Holy Spirit who dwells in you is the Spirit of self-control. Ask Him to help you to control your appetite and so your weight will go down.
The dirty partner should do something about it. If your husband is dirty, tell him. The same thing applies to a dirty wife. Be bold. Tell him or her. “Darling, you need a bath. I will go and get the water ready for you.” Speak lovingly and it will communicate. You may have to do this over and over. If your husband is dirty, he has perhaps lived as a dirty man for 20, 25, or 30 years. He is more at home in dirt. It will take time for him to see that his habit is bad and want to change it. The same thing applies to a dirty wife. So, be patient. Continue to encourage your mate. Do everything that is practically possible to help the one who has the problem. Pray about it alone. Pray about it together. Ask the Lord to help you. You see that this is something from the devil to destroy your marriage.
Do not give in.
Do not grumble.
Do not complain.
Do not continue to criticise the faulty person.
These attitudes will not help. They may hinder the person. You should think of ways of encouraging your overweight wife or husband. Maybe you should decide to give a good gift for each kilogram of weight that is lost. Make the promise to her and when she loses the weight, make sure that you give her the thing that was promised.